Dear President Bush:

Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals.
Actually, we're a bit ticked off here in California, so we're
leaving. California will now be its own country. And we're taking
all the Blue States with us.

In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, and all of the Northeast.
We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be beneficial
to almost everybody, and especially to us in the new country of
California. In fact, God is so excited about it; she's going to
shift the whole country at 4:30 pm EST this Friday. Therefore,
please let everyone know they need to be back in their states by
then.

So you get Texas and all the former slave states. We get the
Governator, stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot
Spitzer. You get KenLay. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get
OpryLand. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get
Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85% of America's venture capital
and entrepreneurs. You get all the technological innovation in
Alabama. We get about two-thirds of the tax revenue, and you get to
make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian coalition's,
we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms to
support, and we know how much you like that. Did I mention we
produce about 70% of the nation's veggies? But heck, the only
greens the Bible-thumpers eat are the pickles on their Big Macs. Oh
yeah, another thing, don't plan on serving California wine at your
state dinners. From now on it's imported French wine for you.
(Ouch, bet that hurts!)

Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-choice
and anti-war. Speaking of war, we're going to want all Blue States'
citizens back from Iraq. If you need people to fight, just ask your
evangelicals. They have tons of kids they're willing to send to
their deaths for absolutely no purpose. And they don't care if you
don't show pictures of their kids' caskets coming home. Anyway, we
wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope, really
hope you find those missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously!
Soon!

With the Blue States in hand, the Democrats have firm control of 80%
of the country's fresh water, over 90% of our pineapple and
lettuce, 92% of all fresh fruit production, 93% of the artichoke
production, 95% of America's export quality wines, 90% of all cheese
production, 90% of the high tech industry,most of the US low-sulfur
coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors,
all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale,
Amherst,Stanford, Berkeley, Caltech and MIT. We can live simply but
well.

The Red States, on the other hand, now have to cope with 88% of all
obese Americans (and their projected health care cost spike), 92% of
all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of all tornadoes, 90% of all
hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, 100% of all
Televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones
University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. A high price to
pay for controlling the presidency. Additionally, 38% of those in
the Red states believe Jonah was actually eaten by a whale, 62%
believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or
gun laws, 44% believe that evolution is just a theory, 53% that Saddam Hussein was involved in
9/11 and - most hard to grasp - 61% that Bush is a person of moral
conviction.

Sincerely,
California
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